Five flops Liverpool still need to get off the wage bill

Liverpool have been one of the Premier League’s busiest clubs in the transfer market this summer, splashing out around £80million on seven signings – namely, Roberto Firmino, Adam Bogdan, Joe Gomez, Nathaniel Clyne, James Milner and Christian Benteke.

But room must always be made for new arrivals and that’s where the Reds have fallen short during the transfer window. Despite the likes of Steven Gerrard, Rickie Lambert and Raheem Sterling all leaving the club, the Mersey outfit’s first team squad is rather inflated; currently, they have 43 players with official squad numbers.

So with summer deadline day now less than two weeks away, Brendan Rodgers has plenty of work cut out if he’s to streamline his squad – or perhaps more importantly, the Liverpool wage bill – for the 2015/16 season.

With that in mind and being the ever-helpful bunch we are at Football Fancast, we’ve listed FIVE flops Rodgers should be putting on a one-way train to… well, anywhere that isn’t Liverpool!

FABIO BORINI

Let’s start with the obvious – Fabio Borini. ‘Il Bomber’ was Brendan Rodgers’ first ever signing as Liverpool manager, in what now seems like a painfully obvious precursor of how debatable the Ulsterman’s transfer record would become at Anfield.

The Italy forward has managed just 25 league appearances for the Red during his three years on Merseyside, scoring only twice, and actually found his best form away from the club – particularly, his ten-goal-40-game loan spell at Sunderland during the 2013/14 campaign.

Borini had the option to leave Liverpool last summer, with the Black Cats and QPR both baying for his services, but surprisingly refused and declared his determination to claim a place in the Reds’ starting Xi.

That’s seen the 24 year-old practically ostracised by Brendan Rodgers, who issued him just three Premier League starts last term despite the glaring inadequacies of Liverpool’s strike force, so a departure this summer seems somewhat inevitable.

Sunderland are eyeing the 5 foot 11 attacker once again, but they now face competition from Inter Milan.

LUCAS LEIVA

The term ‘flop’ doesn’t truly apply to Lucas Leiva; he’s made 275 appearances for Liverpool and with the exception of the odd injury lay-off, has always been a useful squad member as one of the few genuine holding midfielders within the Anfield ranks.

But nonetheless, the Brazilian’s game-time has taken a significant hit since Brendan Rodgers took the Liverpool helm three summers ago and the arrival of James Milner, in addition to Emre Can’s re-emergence at the heart of midfield, appears to be the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Reports earlier this week alleged Besiktas are on the verge of making a €4million offer for the 28 year-old, although we’re still waiting on confirmation that the Reds have actually received it.

That being said, the media put Leiva on the chopping block practically every summer. With two terms remaining on his current deal, he might decide to stick it out at Liverpool for one more year.

Jose Enrique

Another Liverpool stalwart who has served the club well but now outstayed his welcome; Jose Enrique boasts 132 appearances for the Reds yet only 18 have come during the last two seasons.

Injures have been a significant factor but they’ve also left the Spaniard a shadow of the marauding left-back he once was – and he now faces an improbable fight with Alberto Moreno and summer signing Joe Gomez to become Anfield’s resident No.3 once again.

The 29 year-old vowed to stay on Merseyside and continue competing for a first team role earlier this week. But also admitting to being made to train alone by Brendan Rodgers, it seems very unlikely he’ll be near a match day squad any time soon.

With just a year remaining on Enrique’s contract, Liverpool will accept practically any bid at this point in the transfer window.

TIAGO ILORI

When Liverpool signed Tiago Ilori two summers ago he was billed as one of the most exciting defensive prospects in Europe, famed for beating Cristiano Ronaldo’s sprint record at Sporting Lisbon.

But there’s been a worrying lack of progress from the Portugal U21 since, failing to make a mark during his loan spells with Granada and Bordeaux to register just 21 league appearances in 18 months for both clubs combined.

Now 22, Ilori is essentially Liverpool’s fifth choice centre-back for the season, behind Martin Skrtel, Dejan Lovren, Mamadou Sakho and Kolo Toure – and potentially behind Joe Gomez and Emre Can in the pecking order as well.

Barring serious injury to the aforementioned names, it seems unlikely the 6 foot 3 centre-half will get a look in next term – despite recently telling the press he’s determined to make himself a regular in the starting Xi.

Whether it’s another loan deal or permanently, Liverpool should look to offload the flopped youngster this summer.

MARIO BALOTELLI

The rather sad yet rather hilarious tale of Mario Balotelli, who arrived at Liverpool accompanied by such monikers as ‘unmanageable’ and ‘a child trapped in a top-class footballer’s body’ and now leaves Anfield well… essentially under the same description.

There’s no question Brendan Rodgers knew he was taking an enormous gamble when signing the Italy international for £16million last summer and and as the bookies will tell you, enormous gambles don’t tend to pay off.

Indeed, many warned the striker would flop but few predicted quite how badly; just four goals in 24 appearances, including a harrowing one in 14 in the Premier League, and continuous PR disasters – not least including swapping shirts with Real Madrid’s Pepe at half-time and praising Raheem Sterling’s debut performance for Manchester City. Oh dear.

Rodgers lost all faith in Balotelli some time ago. The real challenge this summer has been finding a buyer for a player on big wages who has now left all of his previous employers on rather sour terms.

Watford were quick to denounce rumours of a loan bid earlier this week but a switch to Sampdoria, where the 25 year-old would be reunited with former Azzurri strike partner Antonio Cassano, is still a possibility.

Why Pulis should stick to what he knows best at West Brom

“I take responsibility for the way we set up.”

Those were the words of Tony Pulis following West Brom’s defeat against Manchester City, where Pulis bravely played a 4-4-2 with both Saido Berahino and Rickie Lambert at top, moving away from his usual 4-5-1, or even 5-4-1.

After the game, Pulis was refreshingly honest by taking the blame for the loss and admitting that his side were far too open and needed to be “more solid” he went on to explain why he did it too saying: “The fact we had Saido and Rickie, who played really well together, pulled us away from what we really should do. I said to them afterwards I would take responsibility for that.”

It was typical of Pulis to be so clear cut with his view after the game, and it was typical of the man to admit his glaring errors. However, it is clear that Pulis knows the error of his ways and also knows that he should stick to what he knows best in the future.

Anyone with half an idea about Pulis knows full well what that is. A well drilled, incredibly organised unit, capable of scoring goals from set pieces and sit in and frustrate the opposition before counter attacking to score.

That is Pulis’ side in a nutshell. It really is no thrills football, just very reliable solid football that isn’t easy on the eye at times. And that is what duly returned when the Baggies visited Vicarage Road to take on Watford in their second game of the season.

Pulis went back to his tried and trusted defence over attack, lining up in a 4-4-2 but ensuring his side gave nothing away and sat back, soaking up the pressure. The stats highlighted this with just 36% possession for Pulis’ men, and no shots on target, opposed to Watford’s five.

It was a typical Pulis display and it was not particularly met with great appreciation from the Baggies faithful, as boos and jeers were made from the away end following an uninspiring game.

Then came the visit of Chelsea. Pulis switched to an even more typical 4-1-4-1 formation, with new signing Salomon Rondon leading the line with Claudio Yacob holding in midfield. The set up was about being tough to break down. However, it frankly wasn’t enought to stop Chelsea, who were too good for West Brom both on the counter attack and in possession, where the creativity of Pedro and Eden Hazard caused havoc.

The 3-2 defeat to the Blues was disappointing. But these aren’t the games that Pulis specialises in. It is the games against Stoke on Saturday, for example, where Pulis gets the results. Even though it is away, it wouldn’t be surprising to see Pulis’ men get something against Mark Hughes’ side.

Pulis will never play attractive, up and at them football. He prefers a more patient, defensive and even dull style of football.

It’s what has made him so successful, and will continue to do so, providing he sticks to what he knows best.

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How West Ham can still impress without their star man

Let’s face it – after hearing the news surrounding Dimitri Payet’s potential three month injury lay-off this week – West Ham fans arguably had their worst fears realised almost as soon as the good times had seemingly just begun.

The 28-year-old French international suffered an affliction to his ankle last time out against Everton, a game in which Roberto Martinez’ men categorically set out to leave as much as they possibly could on their opposition at any given occasion.

The perpetrator of the midfielder’s recent injury set-back – the now largely condemned figure of James McCarthy – has pretty much always gone down as messy tackler, and should potentially face retrospective action in light of his rash decision to scissor-kick Payet unnecessarily in the middle of the park.

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The Premier League doesn’t need reckless players going about their business and robbing the rest of the English top-flight of some of its best performers.

However, even though the loss of someone as talented as Dimitri Payet will certainly affect Slaven Bilic’s Hammers going in to the rest of the season, West Ham can still definitely impress this term without their star-man.

One of the main reasons supporting the notion of sustained confidence in and around the Boleyn Ground this season simply arrives in the form of yet another newly acquired creative midfielder at Upton Park – 22-year-old Argentinean play-maker, Manuel Lanzini.

The former River Plate man has been an absolute revelation for West Ham this term after arriving in the Premier League on a season-long loan. West Ham are reportedly keen on tying down the midfielder on a permanent contract sooner rather than later, and it’s really not been difficult to figure out why.

Via his impressive ability to stay composed whenever the situation requires, sharp prowess just outside the penalty box and willingness to display his sheer technical ability on a regular basis – Slaven Bilic has certainly found himself yet another promising acquisition in the up and coming South American. Had Dimitri Payet not begun the 2015/16 campaign in such dazzling form for the Hammers, Manuel Lanzini could have easily gone down as the stand out player for West Ham so far this term.

Yes, it’ll obviously prove a lot tougher for the Argentinean without Payet alongside him in the attacking areas of the pitch, but as Bilic has shown himself to be a strong man-manager so far this season, perhaps this is only just the beginning for Lanzini among the English top-flight.

Another player with the chance to impress in Dimitri Payet’s potential long-term absence, would be a further new signing at Upton Park this season – former Reading, Sheffield Wednesday and Nottingham Forrest man – Michail Antonio. The attacking wide-man, who arrived for a reported £7million fee on deadline day, has barely had an opportunity to show what he’s all about in the claret & blue thus far.

Although Antonio first arrived with a promising reputation from the Championship, Slaven Bilic is yet to utilize the 25-year-old a great deal for the Hammers. Now that both Payet and Enner Valencia remain side-lined for the foreseeable future however, the emerging Englishman may well make the most of his situation and go on to impress the Upton Park faithful greatly.

Due to the vast improvement in squad depth at West Ham over the summer, the east-enders seemingly find themselves in a much improved position than ever before. In seasons past, had the club’s marquee signing been hit with a string of injuries throughout a large portion of the respective campaign, the Hammers would have likely crumbled and faded off without much second thought. Just ask what it was like hoping to see Andy Carroll fit at the Boleyn Ground time and time again…

But with the likes of Alex Song, Mauro Zarate, Victor Moses and of course the aforementioned Carroll looking to tie down more first team opportunities with West Ham this term, Bilic certainly still has some impressive options left at his disposal, especially as Diafra Sakho will also likely be fit once again after the international break.

If the club can somehow pull together and all give that little bit extra in light of Dimitri Payet’s upcoming absence, then you never know, West Ham could become a more well-rounded unit without their star man on board, and potentially find themselves in even better shape once the mercurial Frenchman returns to the first team fold next year.

It’s now time for Slaven Bilic to turn this undoubted injury crisis, into a subtle opportunity for the Hammers to improve even further.

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Why Man United need to add some Pep to their flagging side

After a season and a half of Louis van Gaal reign in the red half of Manchester, United fans are starting to get a little bit restless.

The team finds itself in the same position they finished last season in, but now has the Europa League to deal with. Instead of a run at the Champions League, as United fans had been used to over the past two decades, they are starting to become accustomed to settling for less.

Indeed, that’s sort of what United have done since the departure of Sir Alex Ferguson. Bringing in David Moyes could be seen in that light. The Scot has become something of a punchline since taking over at United, and his next job will hardly be a club at the level of Manchester United.

His signing of Marouane Fellaini for £27.5m looks like steep money for a man who epitomised Manchester United’s current lack of ideas – lumping it to Fellaini might be some sort of plan B, but for a long time last season, and at times this season, it’s been very much plan A.

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Last week against Bournemouth, United fans saw another ‘settle for less’ performances. A club that has inexplicably spent nearly a quarter of a billion pounds since the arrival of Louis van Gaal saw a back four where Daley Blind was the senior centre back.

Guillermo Varela, Paddy McNair and Cameron Borthwick-Jackson may all be fabulous players in the years to come, but as a back four they illustrate the problem at Manchester United at the moment – there’s a distinct lack of class throughout the squad.

The signings of the past year emphasise that. The likes of Bastian Schweinsteiger, Morgan Schneiderlin or even Memphis Depay and Anthony Martial were never going to make United significantly better, just incrementally better.

Had United bought Schweinsteiger prior to Euro 2012, for example, then maybe we’d be talking about a world class player, but instead we’re talking about a player whose legs don’t match his brain. Depay and Martial will both be quality players in a few years’ time, but they’ve both proven very little so far. Apart from Juan Mata, none of United’s signings have been first-teamers to turn United into a squad that can win the title.

But the purveyors of United’s settle for less approach have the chance to set that straight and change that.

The rumours that Pep Guardiola is set to quit Bayern Munich are gaining speed and power, and with Louis van Gaal’s team stuttering their way through a sleepy season, the chance to replace him with one of the world’s truly special coaches should surely be jumped at.

United’s new approach under Van Gaal should be the perfect groundwork to pave the way for Guardiola’s arrival. United are being drilled in the ways of patient passing, a possession-based approach which sees depriving the opposition of the ball as being the best form of both attack and of defence.

It’s just that in Van Gaal’s version of it, you have to pass it around carefully until there’s an obvious opening. Naturally creative players like Juan Mata – perhaps the only signing of the past few seasons that you can’t argue was a waste of money –  have to be curtailed, because in order to be creative, you need to take a risk. That’s just not something that Van Gaal is prepared to let his players do – he has been bitten too many times on the counter attack.

Pep would bring a verve and a purpose to Manchester United’s flagging possession game. His attitude towards the game and the way he sets his teams up to play in that image are exactly what United need in order to move from Van Gaal’s vision into one that the fans will accept and enjoy watching. If Pep is available, United should do everything they can to sign him.

But what do we really expect from the suits who beg United’s fans to settle for less?

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Three things we learned from Man United’s scoreless draw with PSV

With the carrot of ensuring qualification to the Round of 16 and the stick of enduring consecutive defeats to a PSV side deemed significantly inferior, many expected a thrilling performance from Manchester United this evening.

Louis van Gaal selected a relatively exciting team with plenty of pace through Anthony Martial, Jesse Lingard and Memphis Depay, but the Red Devils quite simply failed to deliver.

Indeed, this scoreless draw was nothing short of a snooze fest as United aimlessly pumped the ball around midfield without fashioning any stand-out chances, whilst PSV convincingly held shape to ensure what could be a vital point away from home.

But we at Football Fancast view every game, be they a nil-nil or a ten-goal thriller, as an opportunity to learn something about those involved. Tonight’s match is no different and with that in mind, here are the three things we learned from United’s scoreless draw with PSV Eindhoven.

Boring, boring United

It’s an accusation that has been thrown at Manchester United many times already this season, but rang truer than ever in tonight’s Champions League clash.

The Red Devils enjoyed over 60% possession but manufactured few out-and-out chances, rarely testing the space behind PSV’s three-man defence or committing them with attempted take-ons. In fact, United finished up with just 5 successful dribbles, whilst the away side recorded a whopping 18.

Perhaps Louis van Gaal’s much self-prophesized footballing ideals worked well at Barcelona and Bayern Munich, but they seem so alien to a club famed for flying forwards, blistering counter-attacks and relentless attacking play under Sir Alex Ferguson.

There have been many displays of this variety since the Dutchman took the helm two summers ago, but this scoreless draw felt particularly symptomatic. Upon the final whistle, LVG received a particularly loud and deserving chorus of boos from the Old Trafford faithful.

LINGARD AS PROMISING AS DEPAY WITHOUT THE PRICE TAG

It was not a good evening for any of Manchester United’s attackers but Memphis Depay was particularly disappointing.

Returning to a club he scored 28 goals for last season, leading them to an Eredivisie title whilst claiming the division’s Golden Boot, tonight was a fantastic chance for the 21-year-old to start coming good on his reputation as ‘the Dutch Cristiano Ronaldo’.

Instead, Depay failed to record a single successful dribble as his former team-mates predicted his repetitive ploy of looking to cut inside and shoot at every opportunity. Eventually, United’s £25million summer signing was subbed off after just 58 minutes.

Academy graduate Jesse Lingard, although failing to have a significant impact, was much busier than the Dutch international, recording four efforts at goal, one successful dribble, one tackle and one interception.

Surprisingly, considering one cost United a small fortune and the other cost them absolutely nothing, Lingard’s future at Old Trafford is looking a lot brighter than Depay’s at the minute.

Rooney undeserving of ‘undroppable’ status

Louis van Gaal has often claimed that no player is exempt from the punishment of getting dropped for poor performances, but that doesn’t seem to apply to captain Wayne Rooney.

The England international has been nothing short of abject this season, finding just two goals in eleven Premier League appearances and seven across all competitions, yet was instantly reinstated into United’s starting line-up for tonight’s game after missing Saturday’s 2-1 win over Watford with an injury.

The 30-year-old’s inclusion came at the expense of the consistently excellent Juan Mata but his performance certainly didn’t justify it. Despite starting in his apparently preferred No.10 role, Rooney had just one shot at goal and didn’t create a single chance in an entire ninety minutes.

Mata, meanwhile, who has been involved in the most goals of any United player since the turn of 2015, was issued nothing more than a six-minute substitute berth.

Van Gaal will surely insist that there is no favouritism in his selections but clearly Rooney is being given preferential treatment. For his sake and Rooney’s, the United skipper needs to be dropped for their next match.

Five things Celtic fans need to know about Colin Kazim-Richards

Colin Kazim-Richards was a shock signing for Celtic in the January transfer window, joining the Scottish giants in a surprise deal on deadline day.

The Turkish international striker has moved back to Britain after a lengthy spell away, plying his trade across Turkey, France and Holland. Having fallen out at former club Feyenoord, the 29-year old has penned a two-and-a-half year deal at Celtic Park, bolstering their attacking options.

It was a sour end to his time with the Eredivisie giants after he was handed a two week suspension for threatening a Dutch journalist who had dared to query his attitude. Though born in England, and having spent the majority of his early career on these shores, the former Fenerbahce forward may not be the most well known due to his travels on the continent.

An experienced Turkish international, with 37 caps to his name, he arrives in Glasgow with quite the reputation, though not all of it for the right reasons. However, he will have no doubt helped the bedding in process by notching against East Kilbride on just his second game for the club.

In order to shed some light on the matter, here are FIVE things Celtic fans need to know about Colin Kazim-Richards…

AERIAL ABILITY

There’s plenty to discuss about his off the field antics, but Bhoys fans will no doubt be far more interested in hearing about what their new man can provide on the pitch.

At 6ft 1, the 29-year old is a handful in the air. Across 11 games in Holland this season, he won 10 of the 21 aerial duels he attempted.

Neil Warnock, who managed him at Sheffield United, believes ‘he’s got a lot going for him and will bring a lot to Celtic.’

‘He’s very decent in the air, he goes straight at people.’

VERSATILITY

Part of what has made Kazim-Richards such a hot property on the continent over the years is his ability to play across the frontline. While most traditionally a bruising centre-forward, the former Arsenal trainee can be deployed in wider areas.

Across 48 appearances as a right sided winger, the former Brighton star has notched 9 goals. Barely prolific, but his physical and direct style allows him to be an effective provider of support in the final third.

GRIFFITHS EXCITED ALREADY

New teammate Leigh Giffiths has already waxed lyrical about the partnership the two could soon embark on. Despite the fact manager Ronny Deila tends to prefer a 4-2-3-1 formation with just the one frontman, Giffiths can see the potential.

“If we do play two up top he is going to drag the bigger centre-halves away from me and onto him’, stated the Scotland international.

‘He likes to have a physical battle with them whereas I am the kind of guy who can play on the shoulder and go in behind defences and try and stretch them.’

FEYENOORD FANS ‘LOVED’ HIM

While his ‘bad boy’ reputation is often centred around his off-field controversies, such a fiery character can excite fans.

One thing that cannot be levelled at the ex-Galatasaray and Toulouse forward is a lack of personality.

Bert Konterman, the former Rangers defender, believes ‘Feyenoord fans loved him as he always causing fights and emotion on the pitch, especially when the team was in a difficult stage in the game.’

The FC Twente youth coach also goes on to describe him as ‘a hard worker who uses his body, fights and finishes.’

The Turkey star is certain to ruffle a few feathers in Scotland, endearing himself to the Parkhead faithful if he does it the right way. With such a passionate support, he can become a real cult hero.

…BUT ON THE FLIP SIDE

A fiery character and big personality is all well and good when channeled in the correct manner, and while everyone deserves a fresh start, it seems silly not to mention his off-field controversy.

As mentioned, he was recently suspended in the Netherlands for threatening a journalist who questioned his attitude.

That was not the first blotch on his disciplinary record, which also contains such events like swearing at a referee in Turkey and being banned for four matches.

Not only that, but he was also found guilty for a reportedly homophobic gesture made to Brighton fans while on loan at Blackburn Rovers in 2012.

Must West Ham keep faith in this out of sorts midfielder?

Although the current league campaign has so far shone a promising light on most of Slaven Bilic’s first team personnel at Upton Park this season, former Arsenal midfielder and current Barcelona loanee Alex Song has failed to capture a great deal of attention for his once captivating style of play in the Hammers squad.

The one-time Cameroonian international indeed struggled with a series of testing injury concerns towards the start of the season of course, but despite successfully returning to first team-action for West Ham of late, the 28-year-old midfielder is yet to establish himself as a genuine starter for Slaven Bilic to regularly call upon in 2015/16.

So then, with the upcoming transfer period likely to prove one of the most significant and important windows in West Ham’s entire history – given the club’s highly anticipated move to London’s Olympic Stadium next season – what does the future really hold for Alex Song?

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Whilst Song’s distinct absence from the Hammers starting XI may serve to surprise those who haven’t been regularly watching West Ham in 2015/16, the ex-Gunners favourite has seemingly been restricted to the bench this term due to the consistent reliability of both Mark Noble and Cheikhou Kouyate in the middle of the park, as well as the recent emergence of Pedro Obiang down at the Boleyn Ground.

Although Alex Song could still theoretically earn himself a permanent deal with West Ham in the not too distant future – the Hammers’ upcoming summer capture of current Borussia Monchengladbach star, Havard Nordtveit – may possibly throw a key spanner in the works for the current Barcelona loanee.

Nordtveit represents yet another defensive midfield battler for Slaven Bilic to utilize in 2016/17, which simply doesn’t bode too well for Alex Song’s long-term future in the east-end of London. The Cameroonian star is also believed to be one of the highest earners currently on the books at Upton Park this season, so maybe the 28-year-old midfielder may have to find a new club this summer based purely on financial reasoning alone.

However, as the former Arsenal man remains within the prime stages of his footballing career, usually provides a more than positive contribution whenever handed an all-important starting opportunity with the Hammers – and could simply represent the best defensive midfielder to watch with the ball at his feet across the entire Premier League spectrum itself – surely West Ham will have to think twice before allowing Song to leave their club this summer.

This is a player who remains ridiculously composed for his team on most given occasions, his prowess in the technical department often serves to excite the Boleyn Ground faithful nine times out of ten, and via his excellent range of passing and distinct eye for a classy through-ball – few Hammers fans would ultimately want to see Alex Song leave without some kind of fight from the Upton Park hierarchy.

The 28-year-old absolutely ran Manchester City ragged when Manuel Pellegrini’s expensively assembled starting XI faced off with West Ham in a 2-2 draw down at the Boleyn Ground earlier this term after all. Song certainly helps players such as Mark Noble operate with a newfound sense of confidence in the middle of the park for West Ham – and alongside the recently revered figure of Dimitri Payet at Upon Park – Slaven Bilic’s side have often looked distinctly more entertaining with the Cameroonian firmly involved.

In the end, the former Emirates favourite hasn’t looked entirely fit this term, but as we all know how effective Alex Song can certainly prove on his day for the Hammers, it would seemingly be a great shame for West Ham to allow this technically gifted defensive midfielder to leave the east-end of London without careful consideration this summer.

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Roundabout: Ex-star for Chelsea return; Arsenal to sign BuLi skipper; Man United boos

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Britain’s Got Talent and that itchy rash just below my panty-line, The Roundabout is back – filled with more tall transfer tales, ridiculous rumours, shoddy stories and alliterative adjectives than ever before!

Well, not quite. It’s actually been a fairly usual day at the office; Gunther had Bratwurst soup for lunch, Hardeesh treated us all to a twenty-minute oboe solo and Claudia recited a very interesting poem about the perils of playing pooh sticks in 17th century Turkey; so as per usual, we’re shoving the greatest, the worst and the most mediocre transfer rumours from today’s tabloids into one notably shabby corner of the internet.

Putting The Roundabout’s hyperbolic collider into hyperdrive is news that Moody Sissoko is getting very moody once again, as Newcastle United stare the embarrassment of a season in the Championship in its ugly, overtly English face. The France international has asked his agent to find a new club, with West Ham and AC Milan reportedly interested.

Down in ye old English capital, Arsenal are confident of beefing up their midfield with a player as hard as his own first name in Borussia Monchengladbach skipper Granit Xhaka, whilst Tottenham Hotspur are intent on signing the German international with the least German name ever in Shkodran Mustafi but face rather sizable competition in the form of Barcelona.

Meanwhile, in brilliant news for Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester City, Manchester United, Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Juventus and well… just about everybody except for Borussia Dortmund, the agent of Ousmane Dembele has slapped the spit out of a journalist’s mouth for daring to claim his client is about to move to Westfalenstadion. Well, not exactly, but he did ‘categorically deny’ – which in the world of intentionally ambiguous agent quotes is as about a strong and clear a statement as kicking someone right in the Gary Kellys.

In other news, Romelu Lukaku is ready to ditch Everton for Chelsea, who he ditched for Everton back in summer 2014 after realising he wasn’t quite as good as Diego Costa. How times have changed, a Lukaku-ite may argue. But personally, I’ve always got time for a striker who has the face of a man just returning from the Syrian front yet still scores twenty-odd goals per season.

Peace out.

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Worth an astronomical £531m – Man United’s transfer target XI

With just two Premier League fixtures and the FA Cup final remaining, the summer transfer window is starting to loom over Old Trafford.

And it is currently one of great mystery for Manchester United fans; will Louis van Gaal still be on the hot seat or replaced by Jose Mourinho? Will the club break it’s spending records for the umpteenth summer in a row? What calibre of players can the club attract after another season out of the title race and potentially a 2016/17 campaign without Champions League football?

Consequentially, reports linking the Red Devils with audacious swoops for Europe’s best and most promising talents are hardly in short supply. In fact, there’s been so many in recent weeks that we at FootballFanCast have managed to create a select XI of alleged targets, utilising LVG’s much-maligned 3-5-2 formation.

According to tabloid valuations and our calculations, this transfer target XI would set United back an eye-watering £531million – not that we’re expecting the Old Trafford outfit to sign all of them this summer!

GOALKEEPER – JACK BUTLAND

Rumours of David De Gea swapping the Red Devils for Real Madrid have persisted since his failed move to the Bernabeu last summer, consequentially leading to continuous speculation over who could replace the Spain international between the Old Trafford sticks – with Stoke City’s Jack Butland linked in January.

Had the England international not picked up a season-ending injury in March, it’s likely he would’ve claimed De Gea’s spot in the PFA Team of the Season, boasting 81 saves and ten clean sheets from his 31 Premier League outings. Having recently extended his Potters contract until 2021, however, he would likely set United back more than the £20million sum previously mooted by BBC Sport.

RIGHT CENTRE-BACK – JOHN STONES

Despite coming under criticism for the enthusiasm in which he attempts to build from the back, John Stones remains the most sought-after defender in the Premier League, boasting rare speed, agility and flair for an English centre-half.

United will be desperate to source a long-term partner for Chris Smalling this summer and the 21-year-old seemingly fits the bill. But United’s interest is reportedly rivalled by Manchester City and Barcelona – and Everton are determined to hold out for a blockbuster transfer fee around the £50million mark.

CENTRE-BACK – RAPHAEL VARANE

Football – France v Honduras – FIFA World Cup Brazil 2014 – Group E – Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, Brazil – 15/6/14Raphael Varane – FranceMandatory Credit: Action Images / Andrew CouldridgeEDITORIAL USE ONLY.

Recent reports have claimed Raphael Varane is considering leaving Real Madrid this summer after finding himself benched for both legs of the Champions League semi-final, inevitably leading to rumours that Manchester United could swoop for the prodigious France international this summer.

They will only increase in volume if Jose Mourinho replaces Louis van Gaal in the coming weeks, having signed the 23-year-old as Bernabeu boss and described him as the ‘best young defender in the world’ whilst in charge at Chelsea. The Portuguese was reportedly willing to splash out £40million for the centre-half last summer and it seems unlikely Los Blancos would surrender him for less.

LEFT CENTRE-BACK – MARQUINHOS

Finishing off an incredibly youthful backline is PSG defender Marquinhos, who has failed to claim a regular starting role over countrymen Thiago Silva and David Luiz over the last two seasons – accordingly affecting his status within the Brazil fold.

Man United, Chelsea and Arsenal were all linked with the 21-year-old earlier this week amid claims he’s demanding a summer exit from the French capital. But having reportedly snubbed a £33million bid from the Blues last summer, PSG won’t be letting the South American leave on the cheap.

CENTRAL MIDFIELD – N’GOLO KANTE

Amid accusations his Leicester City contract includes a £20million release clause, Manchester United are one of the clubs reportedly in the frame to snap up title-winning enforcer N’Golo Kante.

Needless to say, the France international has been a revelation since signing from Caen last summer, combining directness and drive on the counter-attack with the most tackles and most interceptions per match of any Premier League player this season. But a host of Premier League clubs, including Arsenal, Chelsea and Spurs, have been linked in recent weeks.

CENTRAL MIDFIELD – TONI KROOS

Rumour has it Toni Kroos will look to leave Real Madrid this summer, with Manchester United the leading candidates to take him off the Spanish giants’ hands. Many view the German international as the top central midfielder in world football, having lifted a Champions League title in 2013, a World Cup in 2014 and famed for his incredibly precise brand of playmaking.

Consequentially, however, the 26-year-old certainly won’t be available at a discount this summer, especially considering his Bernabeu contract doesn’t expire for another four years. Recent reports have speculated a summer bid around the £39million mark and that certainly seems like the right ballpark.

ATTACKING MIDFIELD – JAMES RODRIGUEZ

James Rodriguez hasn’t quite met expectations since signing for Real Madrid after the 2014 World Cup, where he’d claimed the Golden Boot with Colombia, particularly struggling for form under current gaffer Zinedine Zidane. Rumour has it Los Blancos are ready to cut their losses on the stocky attacking midfielder, should a club meet their £60million valuation this summer.

Chelsea and Manchester United are both in the frame and although the 24-year-old has struggled to impress in the Spanish capital, his return of 20 goals and 21 assists 54 La Liga appearances for Real Madrid is certainly nothing to be sniffed at.

RIGHT WING – NEYMAR

Barcelona’s continued failure to extend Neymar’s contract beyond 2018 will only exacerbate Manchester United’s long-standing interest in the Brazil international as the transfer window draws closer, having allegedly launched a release-clause-activating £145million bid last summer.

Needless to say, the winger-forward remains one of the most potent attacking threats in world football, boasting 84 goals and umpteen more assists in 139 appearances since moving to the Nou Camp from Santos three summers ago. But the 24-year-old still appears more than content with life at Barcelona and the club remain optimistic that he’ll sign a new deal.

LEFT WING – ANTOINE GRIEZMANN

Manchester United were hot on Antoine Griezmann’s heels last summer and the rumours have sprouted once again ahead of the coming transfer window. The Atletico Madrid star is a potent, hardworking and versatile forward, having gained notoriety as Real Sociedad’s talismanic winger but established himself as an out-and-out striker since moving to Vicente Calderon in 2014, where he has gone on to bag 56 goals in 104 appearances.

The France international’s contract includes a £63million release clause and the Red Devils are reportedly prepared to activate it this summer. But The Telegraph claim the 25-year-old is keen to stay in the Spanish capital for at least another season.

STRIKER – ROMELU LUKAKU

Manchester United’s abundant need for extra firepower has seen them repeatedly linked with one of the Premier League’s most potent front men throughout the campaign in Everton striker Romelu Lukaku, whose top flight haul of 60 goals in 144 appearances is simply phenomenal for a 22-year-old still learning his trade.

The Belgium international has bagged 25 across all competitions this term despite an incredibly underwhelming campaign at Goodison Park and now appears ready to test himself at a higher level, a theory relentlessly drummed up by outspoken agent Mino Raiola. But recent reports have claimed the Toffees value their star striker at a whopping £60million.

STRIKER – ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC

Who else but Zlatan to finish off this select Xi? No striker will represent a better equilibrium between availability and quality this summer, having already revealed he’s set to leave PSG on a free transfer after firing them to a fourth consecutive Ligue 1 title with 151 goals in 177 appearances since signing from AC Milan in summer 2012.

A prolific goalscorer and title winner, famed for his technical prowess and physicality, and boasting an enormous media profile through his enigmatic antics, the 34-year-old will be a real asset for whichever club he joins in the summer. Manchester United are certainly in contention and Ibrahimovic has insisted his future employers will be revealed very soon.

Five reasons West Ham could do a Leicester in 2016/17

West Ham’s impending move to the Olympic Stadium will be an emotional time for everyone associated with the club. Leaving the Boleyn Ground after so many memories have been made there will be a bizarre experience for many a season ticket holder, although this sadness is tempered with the feeling the club looks to be heading in the right direction.

David Gold and David Sullivan are clearly extremely ambitious about what their beloved West Ham can achieve and this season shows that they may well upset a few people. European football isn’t guaranteed for the Hammers in 2016/17, but their campaign, however they finish, has still been a remarkable one considering that so many tipped them for relegation at the start of the year.

Can they go a few steps further next season?

Maybe they can do the unthinkable and actually compete with the miraculous story of Leicester, perhaps they really do have all the right ingredients to pull off a sensational league win.

Could they really do it? We think so!

Here are FIVE reasons why…

Huth factor

You need a rock-solid defence to win titles, it’s that simple.

Robert Huth and Wes Morgan have been a throwback to simplistic, and rather crude defending, but they have got the job done. West Ham actually have a group of rather more cultured defenders, Angelo Ogbonna, James Collins, Winston Reid and James Tomkins, and could – with the right tactics – make their back line as impenetrable as the Foxes’.

Ready-made Riyad

However pragmatic a manager you are, every gaffer knows they need at least one player with a creative spark and imagination to do the extraordinary.

Where Leicester relied on Riyad Mahrez for all their creative needs, West Ham have several players who could fulfil that role. Most all, of course, this would fall to Dimitri Payet.

Payet has been a revelation in the Premier League this season and his free-spirit approach to the game makes him a fearsome opponent for the tightest of defences.

Irresistible manager

Slaven Bilic, like Claudio Ranieri, is a magnificently likeable man and manager.

Bilic seems to develop a close relationship with his players and this transmits itself to fans. The West Ham boss is incredibly popular with both the media and football fans up and down the country.

His smiley persona is coupled with an unrelenting will to win that could make his side quite a force next season.

Fortress Olympia

A large part of Leicester’s success has been down to their near invincibility at the King Power stadium.

West Ham will surely be able to develop a similar feeling around the massive Olympic Stadium and, if you thought the Boleyn was tough to play at, it could well become one of the most feared away days.

Fitting ambition

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It’s not just the two Davids with never-ending ambition at West Ham, it is an intrinsic quality throughout the club at the moment.

The ambition in their signings has seen players with exceptional talent arrive at the club and that has spurred fans, coaches and the rest of the squad on to believe that they really can challenge for the biggest honours.

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